This whole importing links to xanga blogs is weird...we'll see how it works...

So, i was thinking earlier about how unhealthy my darkness is, and why it is that i'm naturally drawn to darkness and dark people, and why I'm naturally dark myself...and it got me thinking, Christians are supposed to be lights.  We're supposed to be lights in the darkness, which implies a few things. One, this world is dark, and no matter what people say, it is reeeally dark. This life is saturated with pain and evil, there is the greater good, but it is really dark out there. Two, we're not called to leave the darkness. We are "called out of the darkness" so that we are not dark ourselves, but we are to live in this dark world. Three, we are not supposed to avoid darkness. We aren't called to be a light in bright places, we're called to be a light in dark places. We aren't supposed to shut ourselves off from the darkness around us, we're supposed to shine love into it. Four, eventually, we will not have to live with the darkness any more, and everything will be light...the more i see of the darkness of this life, the more i long for the brightness of the next.

"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."

So, Mrs. Murphy mentioned talking about patriotism earlier today...which got me thinking.....not really about patriotism, but first of all, about myself...pride, really, i think i'm right on this issue, and yet, i'm no better than the people who tote their patriotism like a badge, i'm just as proud...anywho, i then got thinking about this country, and the freedom we have here.

It's kinda like freedom in Christ. We're free, in one sense, but we're not free to do what we want, we're not free to indulge in sin, though it's no longer condeming when we do, we're free to live like Christ. We're free to get to know Him, we're free to become more like him. Our freedom is not only an end, it's also a new responsibility.

Our freedom in America is like that. We're free in this country to pretty much say what we think, we're free to wear what we want, we're free to work where we want, live where and with the people we want, we're free to think what we want...but that's not really the point. With this freedom, we're responsible. Really, with this freedom, we're free to be responsible. We're free to use our resources to learn about God, we're free to love others in ways people who aren't as free can't. We're free to advance God's kingdom with relatively minimal opposition, and we don't.  We tend to use our freedom for personal gain, for our fun, for our wealth, for our comfort...and that's not any way to use freedom.  It irks me that I squander my freedom. I should be using my freedom to learn all i can about God, to love others. To mangle a quote "with great freedom comes great responsibility".  So we're free, that's no good in and of itself, it's what we're free to do that matters...and yet we don't do it, or at least i don't...so, something i hadn't thought a lot about. I really should treasure my freedom, but not because i'm free, because i'm free to use my freedom responsibly.

So i just sat down with my parents and talked about finances. Not coincidently this comes on the heels of listening to Mark Driscoll's sermon titled "Trial: Men and Marriage". Which talks about how responsibility is one of the defining characteristics of a Godly man. I have never been responsible with my spending or my time, and now i will have to be with moving out and all...so i think this may be the next big thing God is working on...making me to be a good steward with time and money, which i have neglected...

It's good, though. I have never been this non-stressed with a change like this, God has kept me trusting Him, which is new, but ever so much better than the alternative...God has given me the grace to regularly be reading his word and learning about Him through talks i've been listening to and books i've been reading...i pray that i will treasure this growth and defend it against a busy life. You always hear that you need to keep up your relationship with God, but i pray that by God's grace this taste will keep me studying and learning about him, keep me getting to know Him better, and keep me growing as He sees fit...i'm in a really good space, it's really nice.

...God's so cool...He always is, but this break from my darkness is soooo welcome...i still have a LOONG way to go, particularly in my pride and sexual sin and responsibility and areas i probably am not even aware of yet, but by God's grace He'll keep me through it all, and will transform me by the renewing of my mind into the image of Christ....yeah...

And EVERY GUY OUT THERE should listen to that sermon. It is a no holds barred address to guys...it cuts you to shreds no matter how great of a guy you are...amazing. i cried. oh, and here's a link...http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-men

God's amazing...i really don't think or say that enough...

basically, i was reflecting back on my life, and it's really cool. I got an amazing base of spiritual knowledge etc. somehow by the time i was like 14 or so, then God used my guilt and sin and my realization of the gravity thereof to change my life and make me an active christian...which changed me immensely, then he worked on me for a couple years and hit me with depression, still don't know what that was about...ANYway, then, to show me his goodness and faithfulness partly in order to prep me for this past spring, i got a year of pain, which was one of the best experiences of my life, oddly enough. He used that somehow to give me some understanding of how good and faithful He is...THEN he brought me through majorly intense shame, guilt and agony, to where i would have loved to have killed myself this past spring, through which i would not have made it had it not been for my experience with the headaches, and i have no idea what He's bringing next...it's so weird, it really is like burning dross off. Really painful, yet the results are great...it's a little discouraging seeing how far i still have to go, cause if all that has only brought me to where i am...i don't really like thinking about what it will take to really make me like Himself...but, it's amazing looking back and seeing God's work, and realizing that i only see a little bit of why...yeah, so He's amazing, He'll keep me through whatever comes next...probably something related to moving out...it's been kinda quiet with the whole emotional turmoil bit, if past experience holds, it won't be long before somethin new comes up, but it's neat being able to go into it knowing it'll be great coming out the other side.

Oh, and listen to this song...it's really good lyrically.

So, for the longest time i have struggled with the passage in phillipians 1 where Paul says "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!" I have had NO issue with the dying part...i mean, i'm sure i don't understand the full implications and could get a lot more insight into it, but the concept of death being gain is very firmly established in my mind. To be rid of my fallen body existing in this fallen existence, and moving on to a perfect existence is one of my deepest longings, but I've never been able to understand how "to live is Christ" though. ever. It's always confused the heck out of me.

Tonight lightning (read "God") hit my brain.

"to live is christ". Life is all about Jesus. While we're alive, we're to be consumed with an all encompasing beautiful passion for Christ. While we're alive we're to get to know this Jesus who died for our sins and who will reconcile all creation to God. "to live is christ". That's what living is. Living is wraped up in knowing and being known by christ. "life is worth the living, just because he lives". He makes living worth it. I should be motivated in the morning to get up so i can get to know Him better, be known by Him, and live in such a way that reflects that...You have no idea how awesome it is for me to finally kinda grasp that..."to live is christ". living is all about christ...that's what living is about. nothing else really...so cool. He's so cool...like, I'm freaking moved to tears by that statement when just a week ago i had no comprehension as to how the heck it applied or what  it even meant.  It's awesome how the Holy Spirit does stuff like this...

"If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!" i can relate to this now...living means working for Christ, getting to know Christ. This. Is. Amazing. It's so wonderful that Paul, who had had a revelation of what heaven was like, and knew better than anyone alive today the implications of what it would mean to pass into the next existence, says that he can't choose between that, and working for, getting to know, and being known by Christ in this existence...its. that. good. and he ends with a joyous "i don't know!". They're both so wonderful....wow.

this is a really cool metaphorical song...listen to it a few times if you don't get it the first. It's really good...

As the moon rose and the hour grew late,
the day-help on the coconut estate
raked up the dried leaves that fell dead from the trees
which they burned in a pile by the lake.

the beetle king summoned his men
and from the top of the rhododendron stem
"calling all volunteers who can carry back here,
the great mystery's been lit once again."

one beetle emerged from the crowd
in a fashionable abdomen shroud.
said, "i'm a professor, see, that's no mystery to me,
i'll be back soon successful and proud."
but when the beetle professor returned,
he crawled on all six as his wings had been burned
and described to the finest detail all he'd learned
there was neither a light, nor a heat in his words

the deeply dissatisfied king
climbed the same stem to announce the same thing
but in his second appeal sought to sweeten the deal
with a silver padparadscha ring.

the lieutenant stepped out from the line
as he lassoed his thorax with twine
thinking, "i'm stronger and braver and I'll earn the king's favor.
one day all he has will be mine."

but for all the lieutenant's conceit,
he too returned singed and admitting defeat.
"i had no choice, please believe, but retreat
it was bright as the sun, but with ten times the heat
and it cracked like the thunder and bloodshot my eyes
though smothered with sticks, it advanced undeterred
carelessly cast an ash cloud to the sky, my lord,
like a flock of dark vanishing birds."

the beetle king slammed down his fist
"your flowery descriptions no better than his!
we sent for the great light and you bring us this!
we didn't ask what it seems like, we asked what it is!"

his majesty's hour at last is drawn nigh
the elegant queen took her leave from his side
without understanding, but without asking why
gathered their kids to come bid their goodbyes
and the father explained, "you've been somewhat deceived,
we've all called me your dad, but your true dad's not me
i laid next to your mom and your forms were conceived
your Father's the light within all that you see.
he fills up the ponds as he empties the clouds
holds without hands, and he speaks without sounds.
he provides us with the cow's waste and coconuts to eat
giving one that nice salt taste, and the other is sweet.
sends the black carriage the day death shows its face
thinning our numbers with kindness and grace
and just as a flower and its fragrance are one,
so must each of you and your Father become.

now distribute my scepter, my crown, and my throne
and all we've known as wealth to the poor and alone
without further hesitation, without looking back home,
the king flew headlong into the blazing unknown.

and as the smoke king curled higher and higher
the troops flying loops round the telephone wires
they said, "our beloved's not dead, but his highness instead,
has been utterly changed into fire."

why not be utterly changed into fire?

so, i realized i don't post as much when i'm not depressed...I'm surprised at how well i'm still doing emotionally. It's been really really cool.  My academics suffered while i was...not well, but everything's going really well now, not sure how the classes'll end up, but i'll still graduate.  This whole doing well is a bit odd...which scares me a bit, cause it's usually a calm before the storm, but hopefully this calm lasts a bit longer.  Anyway, thank you all for all your support through all my issues....it's not fun being there for someone who's whiny and irritable half the time, and i can have the tendancy to do that, so i appreciate it a lot.

Hold My Heart-Tenth Avenue North

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.




The audio won't upload...but listen to them, the whole cd is quite good.

so, after my counseling session...i'm not doing well. this is gonna be a lot harder than i thought.  i don't want to go to work, i don't want to function, i don't want to do the work it will take to heal......i could use prayer. God's good...He's kept me going....He'd better keep it up, or else i'm screwed.