There's so much brokenness in the world you would not believe...So much. I can't put words to it. I'm not gonna try...but it's really hard to deal with seeing this much pain and hurt and brokenness all at once...really hard. It's hard to believe it can be fixed...that it can get better.

As the moon rose and the hour grew late,
The day-help on the coconut estate
Raked up the dried leaves that fell dead from the trees
Which they burned in a pile by the lake.

The beetle king summoned his men
And from the top of the rhododendron stem
"Calling all volunteers who can carry back here,
The great mystery's been lit once again."

One beetle emerged from the crowd
In a fashionable abdomen shroud.
Said, "I'm a professor, see, that's no mystery to me,
I'll be back soon successful and proud."
But when the beetle professor returned,
He crawled on all six as his wings had been burned
And described to the finest detail all he'd learned
There was neither a light, nor a heat in his words

The deeply dissatisfied king
Climbed the same stem to announce the same thing
But in his second appeal sought to sweeten the deal
With a silver padparadscha ring.

The lieutenant stepped out from the line
As he lassoed his thorax with twine
Thinking, "i'm stronger and braver and I'll earn the king's favor.
One day all he has will be mine."

But for all the lieutenant's conceit,
He too returned singed and admitting defeat.
"I had no choice, please believe, but retreat
It was bright as the sun, but with ten times the heat
And it cracked like the thunder and bloodshot my eyes
Though smothered with sticks, it advanced undeterred
Carelessly cast an ash cloud to the sky, my lord,
Like a flock of dark vanishing birds."

The beetle king slammed down his fist
"your flowery descriptions no better than his!
We sent for the great light and you bring us this!
We didn't ask what it seems like, we asked what it is!"

His majesty's hour at last is drawn nigh
The elegant queen took her leave from his side
Without understanding, but without asking why
Gathered their kids to come bid their goodbyes
And the father explained, "you've been somewhat deceived,
We've all called me your dad, but your true dad's not me
I laid next to your mom and your forms were conceived
Your Father's the light within all that you see.
He fills up the ponds as he empties the clouds
Holds without hands, and he speaks without sounds.
He provides us with the cow's waste and coconuts to eat
Giving one that nice salt taste, and the other is sweet.
Sends the black carriage the day death shows its face
Thinning our numbers with kindness and grace
And just as a flower and its fragrance are one,
So must each of you and your Father become.

Now distribute my scepter, my crown, and my throne
And all we've known as wealth to the poor and alone
Without further hesitation, without looking back home,
The king flew headlong into the blazing unknown.

And as the smoke king curled higher and higher
The troops flying loops round the telephone wires
They said, "our beloved's not dead, but his highness instead,
Has been utterly changed into fire."

Why not be utterly changed into fire?

A great song...This is what I've been feeling a lot recently. "We sent for the great light and you bring us this" is the emotion I've been feeling...I want to be changed into fire. It feels kinda against my nature, but there's something in me that wants to fly headlong into the blazing unknown....

(for those who don't get the song, think of the fire as symbolic for a life totally devoted to Christ and following his way.)

Pride crops up in the stupidest places. I've been reading the Bible regularly. If I keep the pace I'm going at, I'll have read it through at least twice this year. That's a good thing, and excellent thing. God's been really really good that way. But it's so easy to feel better than others because of that. It's stupid. I KNOW I didn't do anything to get there. It just so happened that I had my bible and lunch in the car on a break at work at the same time, and I started reading. And I know it's been God who's kept me reading. But it's so easy to feel better than people who don't...

Today, I was talking with my counselor about what I find "flow" in. (basically, flow is when you're so wrapped up in something you forget yourself and the world around you). I find it in snowboarding and listening/playing music. He made the observation that it's more commonly found in more sterile environments. TV, video games, etc. And I KNOW that I used to be that way. I know that. But I felt proud that I was more connected to reality than that...It's absurd how insidious pride is. It dogs good things and then leaps at the opportunity to distort them...Would that I were actually humble...

Purpose

I am here for something amazing.
Something so jaw dropping
That if you knew it, you would burst.
Something so glorious,
It would outshine the sun on a summers day

This something will not be cheap.
It will not be the dollar store tiara
That is beautiful today, but tomorrow the paint chips
And you see what it really is:
Plastic.

It is gold! sapphires, diamonds,
But more, and with exquisite flavor, smell, texture.

Yet this something eludes me.
Like a smell I once knew.
Like a memory just out of my grasp.
Like a hint of melody that I cannot place.

I know it is because I sleep and have not woken.
One cannot see, smell, taste while asleep.
And will I wake?
For the nursemaid of this world knows the sweetest lullabies.

But I would not know it if I should wake!
Though it would blind me if I saw it plain.
It is disguised.
Eschewed from what it IS.
Made up to be a common trinket.
Not worthy of note.

God help me wake! Help me fight.
Fight to know the truth.
For it is the Truth, and only the Truth, who can show me this glorious thing,
Who will help me believe what it truly is,
For who can see in a darkness where there is no light?

I'm tired. Physically yes. bed soon, but more than that. I've felt this for a while now...It's linked to a mild depressive state i know, but i think it's more than that. I'm...tired. I want to go home...I want to hold and be held. I hope to find things like this in my life, but it'll never be the same as really being home and being held by the lover of my soul. 60 or so years and counting...it looks so far away from this end of life. I need to live now more. Love people when i can more. I'm here to do that. A light in this world...but the world's really dark. Like...really dark, and I'm a dim light...God can make me brighter. he has. I love what he's done with me so far...not what i was expecting. he's really a great artist and part of me believes that it's better to be here for now...he's making something for Himself that he's gonna really like and that's extremely cool but...i'm ready for him to put the finishing touches on and take me home. ah well.

I was listening to a song that says "you're beautiful. You are treasured you are sacred you are his." I don't believe that. I don't feel beautiful or treasured or sacred...but I've got to be. I believe so many lies...i'm fighting. I'm tired of fighting...i'm crazy weak. I lose so often. God's strong. That's what i need. But I'm really exhausted emotionally and spiritually. have been for a while. Ah well, i know we struggle against powers...i just don't like it. But it's good. i know it is. It's so good I can't begin to talk about it unless you know how good it is too...and then it's not words, it's just knowing that the other person knows how good it is as well. so, i hope i remember how good life with God is tomorrow...that'd make for a great day.

Yeah...the evil, anti-Christian trilogy. and it kinda is...at least anti-christian as far as overt messages go, but it was really encouraging. mostly the sense it left. not so much anything particular about it, but just the general quest and striving etc...

I give up on living life a lot, I'm not sure exactly why, but it has to do with the way i've learned to think, and it's not healthy. I forget that i have any meaning or purpose outside of what i can see right now, in any given moment, and it's rare that i have moments where i see purpose. There's so much uncertainty about my future. I don't want to deal with it. the past hasn't been all that pleasant, according to my perception, and i extrapolate that forward into the future. I tend to forget the moments where i have seen that God has a purpose for me, and i rarely extrapolate anything good that's happened into the future...

Reading those books reminded me of something, though. God doesn't create people for nothing. I am not here to live in a state of dreaming. I'm here to live awake. Not in a rut, not in monotony. If nothing else, i'm here to live in an active, growing relationship with him "to live is Christ". Also, i'm here to love...to learn how and to do it. to bless those around me to the best of my ability. a line from a song that i heard again recently is this: "we live, we love. we forgive and never give up. The days we are living are gifts from above and today we are given to live and to love." I want to live like that. For a long time now i've felt a strong pull to live for something more than pleasure. Pleasure is good, but its like dessert, too much makes you sick and fat...it's not fulfilling the way a steak and mashed potatoes is.

I feel called to live a nutritionally balanced life. yeah, there'll be desert, but that's not what it's about. it's about the spaghetti and meatballs. That's what's more important. I've known that for a while now. And i remember spaghetti moments, they're the best ones. The fulfilling ones...and God loves me and will enjoy giving me flan now and again, but God knows that i can't be who God wants me to be if all i have in life is flan and andes mints.

So, reading this trilogy reminded me to not live for myself. To live for God and other people...enjoy the ice cream but relish the chili.

I need a lot of God's strength to do this. It's a hard battle to fight, but one i need to fight.

I've been realizing some things about myself again. I'm kinda self destructive...not in major ways, just how i use my time, how i use my money, how i sleep, how i eat, etc...I've always been this way to some extent or another, but right now, there's now reason behind it...well, at least i couldn't figure one out for a good long while. I think i've figured some things out though.

I don't believe i'm really worth anything. I KNOW i'm not. I KNOW how bad i am, (to a small extent, but still). I believe these things very deeply and they are true. But they're not the whole truth. I don't believe i'm lovely, i don't believe that with all my flaws that God or others can really love me. I know intellectually that they do, but that belief is not my defining belief. the defining belief is that i am not worthy. Not worth the time, effort, etc. I don't know exactly why this is the case, i can guess, but there's probably more factors than i realize.

This my sound kinda whiny or self pity, but it's honestly just an intellectual realization of why i'm having some symptoms that i was having a hard time explaining. Anyway, this whole thing has translated into a harsh shell, protective arrogance, lack of vulnerability, lack of hope, lack of joy, etc...all because i only really believe part of the truth and not the whole thing. I've numbed myself to the pain and darkness that results from believing a lie...but, to quote a talk, "you can't just numb the bad emotions". i've ended up becoming "comfortably numb". yeah...so, i'd like to change. a lot...

It has come to my attention that I am dispassionate in general. So, when I talk about myself I am candid, but not vulnerable. I have no passion, no feeling, behind what I'm saying. I distance myself from it so as not to open up the possibility to get hurt. This is also the case when it comes to loving others. I feel for others and care for others, but I won't put myself in a position where I am afraid of getting hurt by others....so, funky fear of man stuff that I wasn't actively aware of. I mean, I'd known that I have walls built up against being hurt, but I didn't realize...how pervasive it was? I guess. So, I need to "tear down the wall".

Outside the Wall

All alone, or in two's,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.

they tend to make those



Healing Begins

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

it's never fun...but that's not really the point of the whole thing i don't guess...anyway, something closer to humility might be nice, or so i've heard...

Bring it On-Steven Curtis Chapman

I didn’t come lookin’ for trouble
And I don’t want to fight needlessly
But I’m not gonna hide in a bubble
If trouble comes for me
I can feel my heart beating faster
I can tell something’s coming down
But if it’s gonna make me grow stronger then…

Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let the hard rain fall, let it make me strong
Bring it on

Now, maybe you’re thinkin’ I’m crazy
And maybe I need to explain some things
‘Cause I know I’ve got an enemy waiting
Who wants to bring me pain
But what he never seems to remember
What he means for evil God works for good
So I will not retreat or surrender

Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let the hard rain fall, let it make me strong
Bring it on

Now, I don’t want to sound like some hero
‘Cause it’s God alone that my hope is in
But I’m not gonna run from the very things
That would drive me closer to Him
So bring it on

Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let it make me fall on the One who’s strong
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let me be made weak so I’ll know the strength of the One who’s strong
Bring it on